It saddens me to imagine seeing a beautiful young boy, getting stuck in, playing together on the playground with all the other kids, and knowing that the kid is in his own head questioning whether his behaviour is in line with that of a man.
I can’t remember when the questions in my head started. I just know, as a young boy, I got tired of asking them.
A boy who has no male role model to watch or learn from begins to question all of his actions. You spend your life seeking clarity on whether I’m doing this “man” thing right or not. A part of the reason I am writing about these issues is to raise awareness about these sorts of topics and so that other lost men don’t feel alone.
Everyone has traumas and deals with them differently, and these little “micro traumas,” I call them, can have a huge impact on your life. I use the analogy of a fruit tree whereby current behaviours represent the fruit, and the cause of these behaviours is represented by the seed you planted years prior. Everyone has good and bad seeds, but the sad thing about the society we live in today is that we don’t talk about the seeds we’re planting and how we nurture those seeds to grow into beautiful trees full of fruit.
Looking back at my micro traumas, they came from everyday normal stuff, from watching a dad give his son a high five after a soccer match, to holding his son’s hands and spinning him in circles. I never had that, and watching how simple that love and bond was made me question what else I was missing. I wanted to be just like the other boys, so these seeds of trauma became my fruit, or behaviour.
I realised that I wanted to be just like these boys, so I’m going to start copying them. When you just want to be a normal boy, this is the best way to go about it. I’ve talked to other men without fathers, and it’s crazy the similarities we have in regards to this specific action.
When a male role model is absent, the child replaces identity with imitation.
I have countless memories in recent years of this behaviour but feel somewhat overwhelmed by digging up the behaviours from my early days. I’ve realised that the clothes I wore were the same as my mates, the way I talked became like that of a sailor due to my time served in the Navy, and I acted in ways only to seek the acceptance of those around me. I morphed from one person to the next, and I began to see how far I had drifted from who I was meant to be.
The absence of a male role model forces a boy to doubt himself and build identity externally.
I spent my life trying to answer this question, and I finally feel I have uncovered the answers within myself.
A man is someone who trusts his own judgment, seeks continuous self-development, and knows the difference between right and wrong. I know this because this is the man I have become.
The journey in life is beautiful when you stop being a victim to your seeds, and every experience you have shapes who you are today.
Plant better seeds moving forward, recognise the bad seeds, and get on with life.
If I could talk to my 5-year-old self I would say, “Life is beautiful, everything is okay, and you will figure it all out in time.”
“Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him to himself.”
— Epictetus
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
– Kurt Vonnegut
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
– Carl Jung
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
– Rumi
“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”
– Ayesha Siddiqi
“Forgive the child you were, accept the man you are, and build the man you will become.”
– Unknown
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
– The Gospel of Thomas
Please check out my mission at go fund me. Im building an app that will help both adults and children.
Forged Into Men 
Leave a comment