I don’t remember much when I was two, but there was one question that shaped my childhood:
Where is my Father.
My Mother, as any widowed mother would, closed off emotionally to this question. I got “He was a very sick man James.” and as I became older, I got answers that were slightly closer to the truth.
My Uncle (My father’s brother who’s been through his own battles in life) had laid down the tough news to me. “James, Your father committed suicide” He went into detail and explained the circumstances surrounding it. My father played his part in a war in Zimbabwe and consequently developed PTSD, schizophrenia as well as seasonal depression. He struggled immensely with this and was in and out of the mental hospital and on medication to assist with his state of mind.
I guess I had heard about suicide, I was about eight or nine when my Uncle dropped the news on me. One thing I couldn’t get my head around, was the concept that this person my Mother, Sisters and Uncle had described to me as “a beautiful man that loved you very much” would do such a thing.
The impact this news had on me didn’t come as too much of a surprise, either that or I had become numb to my own emotions without realising it. I feel like the impact of growing up without a Father had already sunken in.
Looking back I thought of my upbringing as something special and unique, my two beautiful sisters were always there looking out for me, while Mum was at work. I began to build a narrative around growing up with an all woman household had no effect on me, until recently when I discovered true reflection.
When you’re young, your subconscious is free of trauma and you are acting from a place of pure and aligned consciousness. As we age, we harden ourselves to life and our subconscious starts to act for us based on our past. We can see this relationship through looking at the purity of our younger nieces, nephews and children and the struggles and self questioning of us as adults.
My Father was one of Gods many beautiful children, who buried the wounds of life too deeply within.
I feel sorry for my father and I forgive him deeply with all my heart.
Today my father taught me my first lesson as a Man:
“Forgive wholeheartedly, for when you do, you release the trauma you once held within.”
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Forged Into Men 
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